You've read all of the parenting books and know what to do.
The problem is, none of it works.
After venting to your elders and explaining everything you've tried, you listen to their words of wisdom, experiment and that doesn't work either.
Then you visit doctors and specialists and explain how bad things really are. They can help in some ways, but the bottom line is, sometimes certain kiddos are just wired differently.
And since we have a child like that, we felt it extremely important to develop the 4 steps to managing aggressive behavior in children.
We Have a Physically Aggressive Child
In our home, our aggressive child was adopted.
Her genetic makeup is completely different from my husband and I.
She has Reactive Attachment Disorder, PTSD, autism, and a mood disorder that all work against one another and cause significant issues.
But, she's also just one of those children that's quick to anger and/or explosive about everything and anything.
We all know there are behaviors that are acceptable and those that aren't in today's society.
Parenting a physically aggressive child isn't about how you'd like your child to behave anymore.
It's about SAFETY.
This includes the safety of the child with the aggressive tendencies, other children (especially those in the home), parents, and other adults.
One would like to think that safety is easily attainable in the home and/or at school. But when you have a physically aggressive child, it's everything BUT easy.
As a parent, you feel physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.
Your stress level is through the roof. Patience is something you seem to lose more and more of each day. All of this because you're constantly managing behaviors.
There came a point a few months ago, where I felt I couldn't take it any longer.
After an incredibly difficult day I cried for hours. I felt absolutely horrible about the parent I needed to be for my child. Could she ever learn to love and treat another with kindness and respect?
I needed a plan, one that would help me regain confidence in myself as a parent, and one that would be beneficial for both parent and child.
It may seem simple, but in the midst of absolute chaos caused by a physically aggressive child, simple is always best. These steps are easy to remember and carry out in the moment.
4 Steps to Managing Aggressive Behaviors of Children
1. Use your words
Teaching and modeling correct communication skills not only benefits the child, but helps you keep your emotions under control.
When words are spoken calmly with kindness, there is a better chance that the explosive child may choose to respond verbally and in an appropriate manner, because she doesn't feel threatened.
In a situation where the aggressive child is starting to kick you, the caregiver can say, "I feel nervous when you start kicking me. Can you please stop?" Once the caregiver has expressed their emotions, pause and allow time for the child to respond appropriately.
2. Give a warning with a choice
If the child does not respond to directions, give a warning with a choice.
An example may look like this: "You can either stop kicking me and enjoy playing a game with your family or take a break in your room and kick your punching bag if you need to."
By giving a positive choice and a less preferred choice, you're providing the child with a chance to make a good decision and encourage self-regulation.
A choice also eliminates the need for the child to come up with what to do next.
When emotions are heightened your child may not be thinking clearly and therefore can't come up with what to do next on their own. The warning helps the child know what to expect if they continue to act out.
IMPORTANT: Be sure to give your child ample time to process and act upon the warning with a choice.
3. Follow through with the consequence
4. Safety first
At this point, the child will either choose to comply with the consequence or refuse.
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