He had been over to my place with friends playing board games until the early hours of the morning.
I don't recall exactly how cooking was brought up in the conversation, but Jason perked right up and proclaimed that he could cook.
"Oh yeah? Prove it!" I said with a teasing tone.
"How about Saturday? I'll make you lunch." he responded. And so it went. The rest is history.
Little did I know our first date would give me a glimpse of what life would be like in the future and just how important overcoming struggles with autism in marriage is, especially in regards to adaptive skills.
Overcoming Struggles with Autism in Marriage: Adaptive Skills
Our First Date
I don't remember who called who first to check and confirm we were still on.
Lunch preparations took much longer than Jason had anticipated.
Eventually we did enjoy lunch together at the rocky water's edge after a long scenic drive in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia (where we both lived at the time).
Jason proved he could cook with delicious chicken salad sandwiches and a carrot slaw.
I can still remember how he took the time to describe each dish he had prepared.
There was a sparkle in his eyes.
It almost hid the anxiety I could hear in his voice, as he worried whether I'd like what he prepared.
Jason has always had a passion for different aspects of cooking.
An Autism Passion
Once he feels comfortable with a recipe, nine times out of ten it turns out much better than when I prepare it.
And why wouldn't it?
Jason is constantly reading about chefs and cooking whether it's Marcella Hazen's Essentials of Classic Italian Cooking or Anthony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential. There's always some form of cook book or chef biography he's reading.
But just because he reads about cooking, doesn't mean that all tasks food related go well.
A lack of adaptive skills and developmental delays from childhood don't just disappear when you're and adult with autism.
There are limitations to Jason's skills.
No matter how hard he works, a change in ability takes a significant amount of time, if it's possible at all.
The Struggle
Before we knew he was on the autism spectrum, I'd send him to the store for items we needed on a regular basis.
Every time he'd come back without at least one of the items I had asked for, no matter how big or small the list was.
This drove me absolutely crazy!
Who can't go to the grocery store with a list and bring home the items on it?
It's a simple task, especially when there are only four items.
Each time this would happen I became upset.
Jason felt ashamed, frustrated, and then resentful.
In his mind, he was doing the best he could, but it wasn't good enough.
As you can guess, this led to many disagreements over the years.
After Jason received his autism diagnosis, one of the first goals he set for himself was successfully shopping with a list at the grocery store.
He enjoys grocery shopping and though he'd been rather horrible at it, to him this was an important skill to master because of his passion for cooking.
It didn't take long to realize that reaching his goal was going to be much more difficult than we had originally thought.
There were several steps involved in this process and many obstacles that he needed to overcome.
- There are distractions everywhere, including in the car on the way to the grocery store.
- His sensory sensitivities do not mesh well with the many sensory experiences abounding while shopping.
- Focusing on the task at hand with so many distractions and sensory experiences is next to impossible. Forget about checking the list over when he was done.
- Formulating a plan to make it through the grocery store without forgetting items requires organizational skills.
- Grocery stores constantly change their displays and move food items to other locations. This really throws Jason off.
- Anxieties mount when he can't find an item he needs, especially when he has to ask for help. Sometimes social anxieties ultimately outweigh the need for the item.
- Let's not forget the casual run in with a friend or acquaintance in the grocery store that requirs a transition of thought process, social skills, and focus.
Learning to Overcome
Yes.
You read that right.
To date, Jason still hasn't reached his goal.
But he is getting closer.
Because we've seen little successes, we know bigger successes are on the horizon.
Jason is willing to put the work in to master this skill because the goal is so important to him.
Along the way we've learned a few things.
- Jason needs a grocery list, no matter how few items he must purchase.
- A weekly grocery list that includes the meal plan and the grocery items provides the support Jason needs when he's unsure about something on the list.
- Grocery items listed need to be very specific, with details like frozen or fresh, name brands, colors, etc.
- Going to the store at night and alone minimizes distractions and sensory stimuli. It also helps with focus and anxiety.
- Though he may forget things, Jason sticks to the list. He never comes home with extra items and spends much less than when I go to the store.
- I don't like to shop, especially for groceries, so as long as he's practicing, I can avoid the chore all together.
- I love watching him set a goal and work to achieve it. It's a very attractive quality to me.
The Important Stuff
It may be silly to be talking about grocery shopping and how it affects marriage, but when you're married to someone with autism, challenges with small tasks can affect things, especially when they happen repeatedly.
Struggles with autism in marriage are real, especially those regarding adaptive skills.
Over time, we've learned to balance life out focusing on each other's strengths and playing into those as much as possible.
We've tried different methods of grocery shopping including ordering online ahead of time, which he actually likes less than having to go into the store, as the ordering process isn't nearly as fun as being surrounded by food.
Currently we do the weekly shopping together, unless it's a very small list, which he writes down on a note on his phone, and then goes in to grab things.
<[>Baby steps over a long period of time work!
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