Raising a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder changes life in so many ways. 

The experience affects all areas of life, including the caregiver's relationships with others.

Extended family relations often take the hardest hit.

This isn't anyone's fault. 

Life changes so drastically for the immediate family of a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

These changes are impossible for others to understand, unless they've experienced the same things.

Most extended family members have not raised a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

A lack of understanding leads to strains and complications in relationships.

Reactive Attachment Disorder changes everything.

10 Ways Reactive Attachment Disorder Affects Extended Family Relations

1. Caregivers of children and teens with Reactive Attachment Disorder experience trauma on a daily basis. 

The role of caregiver to a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder has been compared to that of a combat soldier on the battlefield. 

Continued trauma takes a toll on the brain and mental health. 

PTSD, anxiety, and depression are common.

Daily functioning takes an incredible amount of energy for caregivers.

The Worst Cases of Reactive Attachment Disorder

It's a challenge to make it through each day, doing the absolute best the caregiver can, without feelings of defeat and other strong negative emotions.

Resilience is the goal, but it sometimes feels impossible.

Even when a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder is in a group home or residential placement, the trauma doesn't end. 

It's just a different type of trauma.

When Do I Consider Residential Treatment for My Child?

It is common for those experiencing trauma to withdraw for self preservation purposes, which may result in strained relationships.

Knowing that circumstances can't change in the home with immediately family and Reactive Attachment Disorder, a caregiver may choose to love extended family from a distance, in an effort to preserve and improve their own mental health.

Most often, this is very hard for extended family members to accept, which causes even more strain on relationships.

2. Present trauma triggers past trauma, and becomes complex.

Daily trauma while caring for a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder often triggers past trauma that the caregiver has experienced during childhood and adolescence.

Trauma is real and something that everyone on the planet experiences at one time or another.

No one is exempt.

Trauma is personal. 

What may feel traumatic to one person, may not feel that way to another.

An experience may feel completely different to each person involved.

No one wishes trauma on another person. 

Everyone does their best to avoid traumatic experiences, especially when children are involved.

Still, trauma happens and is real.

No caregiver is perfect.

Different generations raise children in completely different ways.

Best practices have changed over time.

Raising a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder is a completely different ball game. 

Traditional parenting techniques do not work, including those that were passed down by extended family members of a prior generation

When a caregiver is confronted with past trauma, while raising a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder, it is important for the caregiver to seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

It is only after a caregiver has worked through her own past trauma, that she can be all she needs to be for her child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

Extended family members, especially parents, are often hurt by the idea that the caregiver has experienced past trauma while being raised by them.

There may be a lack of understanding and support from extended family members when a caregiver pursues help from mental health professionals.

This lack of understanding and support can bring about contention and strain in extended family relations.

The lack of understanding and support may also trigger more past trauma.

A caregiver of a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder does not want more contention or trauma in her life.

She cannot eliminate contention and trauma in her home, but she can work through her own trauma and set healthy boundaries with others based on what she can currently handle.

3.  Caregivers of children and teens with Reactive Attachment Disorder are most often required to participate in mental health services with immediate family, and for themselves, in order to meet criteria to obtain desperately needed help and assistance.

Extended family may not understand just how many meetings and appointments come with raising a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder. 

Meetings and appointments don't begin to describe the obligations of caregivers of a child or teen with RAD when there is a mental health crisis.

A mental health crisis can require a 24/7 commitment from caregivers for weeks, and sometimes months.

Our Pediatric Mental Health Crisis Up Close and Personal

Extended family may not understand requirements set forth by the community in order to receive services and support.

The time commitment and financial responsibilities placed on caregivers are incredibly challenging.

Some extended family members may become upset with how busy a caregiver of a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder is, and the lack of time and energy left to dedicate to other extended family relationships.

The caregiver of a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder cannot eliminate required and recommended mental health services, without consequence.

 Extended family relations are often affected negatively by treatment obligations related to a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

4. Raising a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder is incredibly expensive, leaving little to no extra funds to participate in special events and trips.

One hallmark behavior that comes with Reactive Attachment Disorder is destruction of property, which results in a significant financial burden for the caregiver.

Even if insurance covers appointments, the cost of travel to appointments is significant. 

When a child or teen is in residential, the caregiver is responsible for all transportation expenses, as well as all expenses related to visits and passes.

These expenses are added to the requirement that family provide shoes, clothing, and other items in residential, which are either lost, stolen, or destroyed, and need to be replenished every six months.

The supervision required to keep family members safe while raising a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, can result in a caregiver no longer being able to work outside of the home.

Must Have Safety Resources When Parenting a Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder

Even with disability assistance, the strain of only one caregiver working, paired with behaviors that result in the destruction of property are significant.

Mental health emergencies prevent caregivers from going to work altogether for an extended period of time, resulting in a loss of income at a time when it's needed most.

There may not be extra money to visit extended family.

Money for fun extended family activities may not exist. 

Financial struggles can increase the strain on relationships with extended family.

5. It can be impossible to commit to scheduled visits with extended family, due to behaviors and time commitments associated with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

It is common for a caregiver of a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder to schedule a get together with extended family, and then need to cancel due to RAD behaviors.

A child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder may act out in unsafe ways when a caregiver decides to spend time with others.

At times, it can be unsafe to leave a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder with only one care giver, especially when there are other children or teens in the home.

A Caregiver's Fears When Raising a Child with RAD

There are times that one caregiver leaving the home triggers the child or teen with RAD so much that she targets the other caregiver and becomes extremely unsafe.

An inability to show up for extended family members in these situations can take a toll on relationships and cause so much strain.

6. Extended family gatherings are a trigger for children and teens with Reactive Attachment Disorder, resulting in severe behaviors before, during, and/or after festivities, which then result in more trauma for the caregiver.

More than anything caregivers are seeking support and respite from the constant struggles with behaviors related to Reactive Attachment Disorder. 

Visiting extended family can often provide the opposite experience.

Children and teens with Reactive Attachment Disorder struggle with forming bonds of attachment. 

Gatherings with extended family are all about this bonding and attachment experience, which triggers the RAD brain to act out and push others away.

7 Reasons the Holiday Season is Difficult for a Child with RAD

Whether behaviors occur before, during, or after gatherings depends on the child or teen, but all behaviors will most likely be directed towards the caregiver, not the extended family members, unless the child knows them extremely well.

Caregivers will do all in their power to lessen the trauma coming their way. 

This often means a caregiver will choose not to participate in extended family get togethers with the child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder, and often can't go without the child or teen with RAD.

7. Finding reliable childcare or respite services is next to impossible for caregivers of children and teens with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

It is incredibly difficult to find childcare or respite services for a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

Even when a caregiver gets lucky and finds someone who is willing to help, the help is most often short lived when behaviors increase as the child or teen with RAD get to know the respite worker.

In many cases, finding a trauma-informed childcare provider or respite worker is next to impossible.

The few who are willing, may not be qualified or educated on Reactive Attachment Disorder which can cause more harm than good for the family. 

8. Meeting the needs of a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder can take all the energy a caregiver has, leaving nothing left to give to others. 

Due to the demands of raising a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder, caregivers are often left with nothing left to give to others.

Expectations of the caregiver from others can add to already existing anxiety, overwhelm, etc.

Even a phone call can often feel like too much, and can result in more trauma for the caregiver of a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder, especially if the child or teen feels he isn't receiving the attention she deserves, during the phone call.

I Hate My RAD Child

A caregiver does not want to dedicate ALL of her energy to a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder, but so often, that's what's required for everyone in the immediate family to stay safe.

A lack of involvement and energy dedicated to extended family can cause strain on relationships.

9. A child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder often displays "artificial charm" while spending time with extended family, leading extended family members to believe the child or teen is innocent and the caregiver is the problem.

Almost all children and teens with Reactive Attachment Disorder display "artificial charm" when around others outside of the immediate family.

Caregivers may observe that a child or teen with RAD acts like angel in front of others, and then the exact opposite when alone with caregivers.

This scenario is often the case when time is spent around extended family.

Due to "artificial charm" a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder may be viewed as perfectly innocent, leading others, including extended family, to disrespect boundaries set by the caregiver.

Artificial charm puts caregivers of a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder in an extremely difficult and unsafe position.

No matter what decisions the caregiver makes, when with extended family, related to the child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder, there will be consequences later. 

The child or teen with RAD will target the caregiver if the caregiver decides to enforce safe boundaries around extended family members.

The child or teen with RAD will target the caregiver if the caregiver decides to go along with extended family member suggestions, because the caregiver is inconsistent in their response to behaviors.

Artificial charm can add so much strain to extended family relations.

10. Triangulation

Another common symptom related to Reactive Attachment Disorder is triangulation, or pitting one caregiver against another, through lies and misinformation.

Triangulation is extremely common in the home with caregivers of a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

As a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder grows closer to extended family members, triangulation occurs between extended family and caregivers, which causes a significant amount of strain and contention.

Reactive Attachment Disorder and Lying

Extended family members may start to believe the lies and misinformation shared by the child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, causing even more difficulties for the caregivers.

Nothing good comes from triangulation.

What Can Extended Family Members Do to Improve Relationships with Caregivers of a Child or Teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder?

1. Show an outpouring of love and kindness towards the caregiver, even when the caregiver's decisions don't make sense. 

She needs love and support more than anything else.

2. Understand that loving from a distance doesn't mean the caregiver loves extended family members less. 

Keeping distance is about safety and sanity for the immediate family of a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

3. Choose to learn more about Reactive Attachment Disorder from the caregiver and other reliable and recommended sources. 

You can trust that caregivers have a list of all the books they've read, and would be more than happy to share it. (My recommended book list is coming soon!)

4. Support the caregiver in decisions related to the child or teen with Reactive Attachment  Disorder, even when you may not understand or agree with those decisions.

Remember that the caregiver's primary concern is safety for everyone involved, including extended family members.

5. Understand the caregiver's limited opportunities for communication are not about a lack of desire to communicate with extended family members. Phone calls, emails, text messages, et. may go unanswered at times, due to whatever else may be taking up the caregiver's time related to RAD behaviors. 

Communication boundaries that the caregiver sets are about the safety and sanity of the caregiver who is facing trauma each and every day, sometimes as a result of communicating with others.

6. Accept that the caregiver of a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder isn't going to be the best at following through with anything including holiday gifts and cards, birthday wishes, get togethers, etc.

This is not because the caregiver doesn't care about extended family members. 

Holidays, special occasions, and any family get together are major triggers for the child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder, which means those times of year and circumstances are the most challenging for caregivers.

7. Trust the caregiver when she does decide to share details about what's going on.

What she says may sound unbelievable, but that doesn't mean it isn't true.

I have never come in contact with a caregiver raising a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder who hasn't experienced strain in relationships with extended family members.

The strain and loss of extended family relations is yet another traumatic experience that caregivers go through when they choose to love a child or teen who is unable to attach.

Whether you are a blood relative of a caregiver who is raising a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder, or you're a friend or acquaintance, do all you can to show love and support.

Your unconditional love and support may be what saves the caregiver during such difficult times. 

If you enjoyed this post, you may also like the resources below.

 

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Meal planning for a family with various special dietary needs can be incredibly difficult.

We are an incredibly busy family of six with one vehicle. 

Weeknights are filled with sports practices, theater rehearsals and so much more.

All of our kids are teens with big appetites.

Crockpots or slow cookers are how we make it through our hectic weeks.

Here are 10+ Slow Cooker Meat and Poultry Recipes for Busy Families we love!

We've tried countless crockpot recipes which my husband and I love.

Unfortunately some of our teens don't feel the same way. 

They don't like food that is mixed, or food that is cooked in sauce.

Over the past few months we have tested and tried many meat and poultry crock pot meals that can meet the sensory needs of our teens.

Any sugar called for in recipes can easily be replaced with honey or maple syrup.

Here are our favorites!

10+ Slow Cooker Meat and Poultry Recipes for Busy Families

Crockpot Ham

My kids love  ham. When I don't have time to cook a ham in the oven, using our slow cooker is a great solution. The meat is juicy and so flavorful. 

I love that ham can be used in multiple ways for breakfast lunch and dinner. Once it's cooked and ready to serve, the options are endless.

Slow Cooker Pork Carnitas

My teens love Mexican food. Once prepared, this recipe works perfect in burritos, tacos, nachos and more. 

I make sure onion slices are big enough for the kids to pick out, if they don't want to eat them.

Crock Pot Pulled Pork Recipe

Since moving to the south, our family has come to love pulled pork. Some of the kids like it without BBQ sauce. Others love it with sauce.

This crockpot recipe makes both options possible.

My kids love pulled pork sandwiches. They enjoy it with French fries. Some even enjoy it "hog pen" style. 

Slow Cooker Kalua Pork

Kalua pork is my kids FAVORITE slow cooker meat recipe. They can't seem to get enough of it. 

We've made it with or without the liquid smoke. No matter how we serve it, the pork is a huge hit with our teens and all of their friends.

Crock Pot Turkey Breast

When I learned I could cook a turkey in a crock pot, I was so excited! 

Freshly cooked turkey can be used in so many meals on the go and on relaxing nights at home.

The meat is so moist and juicy. My kids love it.

I especially love this crock pot meal as it's one I can enjoy too. Poultry is safe for those with hemochromatosis. 

Slow Cooker Chicken Shawarma

I must thank Iron Man on Marvel's Avengers for introducing shawarma to my kids. Ever since the cut scene in that movie, my kids were big fans of trying shawarma. 

The great thing about chicken shawarma is that it can be served in so many different ways. My kids prefer it in a pita. I liked it served with a side of veggies.

Again, as someone with hemochromatosis, I love this crock pot meal option!

Slow Cooker Mexican Chicken

Our family loves Mexican food, this slow cooker Mexican chicken is no exception. It's great to use for burritos, tacos, quesadillas, bowls, and more.

This recipe does contain diced tomatoes which was a little bit of a stretch when it comes to my teen's sensory needs. Thankfully, during the slow cooking process they pretty much dissolve.

Crock Pot Chicken Breast Recipe

This is a very versatile chicken recipe. What spices you add completely depends on your mood at the time. 

The chicken tastes delicious and is moist and juicy.

It can be used in sandwiches, salads, casseroles, as a main dish and more!

Juicy Beef Brisket

Originally, this was our go to Hanukkah meal. 

Our kids loved it so much we started preparing it more often. 

We love how well it turns out after cooking in the crock pot all day long. The meat was so tender and juicy.

The meat can be served in so many different ways a part of so many different meals.

Slow Cooker Beef Barbacoa

When we lived in New York there was the most delicious Mexican restaurant on the corner. The restaurant was set up similar to Chipotles, but tasted so much better and offered more options. Their beef barbacoa was divine.

This recipe takes my teens and husband back to those days in New York. The meat tastes SO good. 

My family uses it in so many different Mexican dishes.

Crock Pot Roast

Pot Roast was one of my favorite beef dishes before I found out I had hemochromatosis. My teens and husband enjoy it as well. 

To meet sensory needs, I don't usually cook it in the crock pot with potatoes and carrots. Instead I cook it alone.

I do prepare gravy for those who will use it. Some of my kids just enjoy it plain or with one of their favorite sauces.

How Often Do You Prepare Meat in a Slow Cooker or Crock Pot?

In our home, I prepare meat or poultry in a slow cooker once a week. 

I usually double the recipe to meet the needs of our family of six, with the exception of a turkey or ham.

When I meal plan and grocery shop, I make sure to pick up sides, toppings, rice, breads, and/or tortillas my family may need or want to enjoy whatever meat or poultry is on the menu for the next 3 to 4 days.

How to Afford Meat and Poultry for Slow Cooker or Crock Pot Meals?

Meat and poultry can be quite expensive these days. 

Sometimes I wish my kids were more herbivore than carnivore.

Since they do love meat and poultry so much, I've developed a pretty good system that has helped cut down costs.

Each week I shop local grocery store sales, particularly meat sales.

I keep a list of the specific meats and poultry I'm looking for on my phone.

When one of them goes on sale, I stock up.

Our local grocery store also has really great Manager's Special sales. When meat and poultry on the shelves are close to the "sell by" date, they are marked down about 40% or 50%.

I purchase these meats and poultry, and then immediately put them in the freezer at home to use at a later date.

Just this week I was able to purchase brisket and a frozen turkey using these two approaches.

Over time, you may want to invest in a second freezer to build up meat and poultry storage.

I hope you enjoy these meat and poultry recipes as much as my family has!

If you enjoyed this post, you may enjoy the resources below.

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In my experience, the most frustrating aspect of caring for a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder has been waiting for her to choose to heal, if she is capable of doing so.

The consequences that caregivers and family members experience during the process of waiting are unfathomable every step of the way.

A child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder can't be forced to heal. 

There's no magic formula that caregivers can follow to make them do so.

Healing is a choice that only the child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder can make.

Until the choice is made, caregivers and family members suffer greatly.

The Most Frustrating Aspect of Reactive Attachment Disorder

Last week we received a notice from our insurance company that they are only willing to cover the next 30 days of Sunshine's residential treatment, instead of the requested 60 days.

I instantly panicked. 

Sunshine has been in her fifth residential placement for fourteen months and shown absolutely no improvement.

She continues to be unsafe and unable to live with family.

At the same time Sunshine is comfortable with who she is and how she responds to the world around her. 

There are no signs of her wanting to change her behaviors any time soon.

This puts our family in quite the predicament.

Caregivers of children in residential can be charged with abandonment if they don't pick up their kids when insurance companies refuse further treatment, even when it's too dangerous for the family to have the child in the home.

Bringing a dangerous child home from treatment to a family because insurance refuses further treatment can result in caregivers being charged with endangering the welfare of their other children. 

It's a no win situation.

This predicament occurred in years past while Sunshine was receiving treatment.  You can read more about it in the post below.

The System Failed Us Horribly

We pray that Sunshine's residential treatment continues until she is safe to live with family again.

If it doesn't, the safety of our family is in jeopardy.

Everyone on her residential team believes that she is capable of changing her behaviors.

We believe she is capable of safe and healthy relationships with others.

Unfortunately, she does not want to do the work that's necessary to have that at this time.

Every child and teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder is different.

Princess has made great strides in healing, but has currently been "stuck," unwilling to progress in specific areas of her own journey for quite a long time. 

Please note, being "stuck" does not negate all of her hard work and progress. 

She has come so very far!

Unfortunately, her unwillingness to progress in her own healing has resulted in siblings and caregivers being on the receiving end of significant highs and lows in moods, which can include verbal aggressions towards herself and family members, as well as destruction of property.

We, as her caregivers, have tried to do everything we possibly can to help her move forward.

Despite our best efforts she has verbally expressed that she does not want to change.

She is perfectly fine the way she is.

And so, caregivers and siblings continue to be on the receiving end of unhealthy behaviors on a regular basis.

Why Doesn't a Child or Teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder Want to Heal?

To heal from Reactive Attachment Disorder means to attach and to trust.

Attachment is scary.

Trust is unconceivable.

Remaining unattached is comfortable. 

It feels natural.

Even when a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder despises their own behaviors and starts to feel remorse, this doesn't mean that it feels worth it to attempt attachment.

When a child or teen has Reactive Attachment Disorder, it means the brain has changed to survive trauma. 

Healing means the brain needs to change again through a process called neuroplasticity. 

This is incredibly hard work that takes so much effort on behalf of the child or teen.

In many cases healing feels too hard. It's easier to give up.

The Reactive Attachment Disordered brain settles for what's comfortable, accepting the consequences that come with that.

There are cases in which some believe that the brain isn't capable of neuroplasticity and therefore healing from Reactive Attachment Disorder isn't possible. 

In Princess' case, she still feels she needs to respond to situations in extreme ways, in order to protect herself from threats that don't exist anymore. 

Parts of her feel that her extreme emotional responses to situations are an exception to the rule without consequence.

Why Won't a Child or Teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder Accept Help During the Healing Process?

It's one thing not to want to heal because it's too scary or too hard, but even when a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder has a desire to heal, in many cases she doesn't want help with that process.

Accepting help from others means she needs to trust others, which isn't natural or easy.

She wants to do things the way she wants to do them.

A child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder often bucks at help, choosing to do the exact opposite of what a caregiver or professional recommends.

It's as if she has to figure out her own way of getting from Point A to Point B, in the most chaotic way, to prove that the recommended way doesn't work, or isn't possible.

Offering extra love and support only triggers Reactive Attachment Disorder behaviors more.

Love and trust go hand in hand, and that's too scary.

The child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder has to be the one to choose to heal and believe it's worth it to do so.

There's always a possibility that trauma returns, and a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder may not want to risk becoming vulnerable in the future, as it feels unsafe to them.

What Does Healing from Reactive Attachment Disorder Look Like?

In our experience, healing from Reactive Attachment Disorder comes in seven distinct phases.

The 7 Stages of Healing from Reactive Attachment Disorder

Every child and teen is different which means there's no time limit or guesstimate on how long it takes to work through each phase.

Healing depends on so many different factors.

A child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder may have multiple diagnoses, some of which affect cognitive functioning and development.

The child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder may still be experiencing trauma.

Then there's the fact that a child or teen with RAD may not want to heal.

Every case is different.

Waiting for healing can be so incredibly frustrating for caregivers of children and teens with Reactive Attachment Disorder, especially when behaviors jeopardize the safety of family members.

Know that you are not alone in your frustration.

What Can Caregivers Do While Waiting for a Child or Teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder to Heal?

There are multiple ways caregivers can approach the waiting game.

1. Keep everyone in the family safe.

Must Have Safety Resources When Parenting a Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder

The caregiver will be held responsible for whatever is going on in the home.

Protect yourself.

2. Seek outside support and services when necessary.

Don't hesitate to ask for help in all settings. Most likely you will be judged, but in the end, the documentation that comes with you seeking help can save your family.

Outside support and services can include:

• Case Management
• Therapies
• Doctors and Specialists
• Respite Services
• Day Programs
• Inpatient Psychiatry Stays
• Residential Treatment

3. Find support from others who are experiencing what you're going through.

This journey is not one you can manage all by yourself. You will need support ensure you're not going insane.

Consider following me over at Every Star Is Different on Facebook as we share personal stories almost daily about our experiences while raising 2 adopted daughters with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

 4. Educate yourself on Reactive Attachment Disorder.

A great place to start is our Reactive Attachment Disorder landing page. 

It includes links to all resources on our website related to Reactive Attachment Disorder.

Raising a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder is the hardest thing I've ever done, and most likely will be just as difficult for you.

It is incredibly important to set safe boundaries while you wait for your child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder to heal.

Don't hesitate to seek help and support to protect your family.

If healing is possible, it will occur at the pace the child or teen wants to and is capable of setting.

If you enjoyed this post, you may also like the resources below.

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The 7 Stages of Healing from Reactive Attachment Disorder

How does someone heal from Reactive Attachment Disorder? 

What does healing look like?

Are there different stages in healing from Reactive Attachment Disorder?

I am thrilled to share the 7 Stages of Healing from Reactive Attachment Disorder that we have identified and experienced in our home.

My oldest adopted daughter has suffered from Reactive Attachment Disorder her entire life.

Her story is one of bravery, healing, and hard work.

She has been so kind to share her experiences in hopes that she can help others.

Through her own healing process, she has been able to identify the 7 stages of healing she has gone through and continues to work through.

We have seen these exact same stages of healing occur with her younger sister (also adopted with RAD) in residential treatment.

Before we begin discussing the 7 Stages of Healing from Reactive Attachment Disorder, I want to remind everyone that healing from Reactive Attachment Disorder is a choice.

It is a choice that can only be made by the person with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

Healing can not be forced by caregivers and professionals.

Once the choice to heal is made, so much hard work goes into rewiring the brain at each and every stage of the process.

Waiting for child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder to decide to heal or progress with healing can be extremely frustrating.

You can read more about that in the resource below.

The Most Frustrating Aspect of Reactive Attachment Disorder

Please know there is no cure for Reactive Attachment Disorder.

The healing process helps the individual with Reactive Attachment Disorder form attachments and healthy relationships, but it doesn't remove the process of having to work through triggers on a regular basis.

There is no perfect treatment for Reactive Attachment Disorder outside of the home that will fix everything. 

For more information regarding treatment options, be sure to check out the resource below.

RAD Treatment for Kids

Now that the concepts of healing and treatment are understood, let's move forward with the stages of healing.

7 Stages of Healing from Reactive Attachment Disorder

 1. Safety in the Home with Family

In order for a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder to begin the healing process, she must decide she wants to feel safe in the home with a family.

A family can provide the safest environment imaginable for a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, but that doesn't mean SHE feels safe there. 

Safety may mean something completely different to the child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder than it does to the caregiver.

Below is a post I wrote when Princess was eight years old. 

It documents the process of Princess showing a desire to be safe in the home with family, and what safety meant to her at the time.

I Just Want to Feel Safe

Having a desire to feel safe does NOT mean that a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder is capable of being safe with others, herself, or things.

The desire to feel safe means that the child or teen's RAD brain doesn't want to keep feeling the same way it did during past trauma.

The body wants to avoid the fight, flight, freeze or fawn response it's so used to.

 

A child or teen's desire to feel safe may be related to a specific incident that has occurred that left an impact.

The desire to feel safe may also come with age and brain development.

There is no specific time that this stage occurs in everyone. 

It is different in every case.

Some children and teens never feel the desire to be safe.

Even when your child or teen has a desire to be safe in the home with family, it is still very important to use safety resources in the home.

Must Have Safety Resources When Parenting a Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder

It will be a very long time before it's possible to remove safety resources.

2. Remorse for Hurting Family Members

Once a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder has made the choice to feel safe, the next stage in healing is feeling remorse for hurting loved ones.

A child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder does not feel empathy or remorse towards others until the brain heals enough to be able to do so,  and the child or teen allows those feelings.

Until remorse is felt, the child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder feels indifferent towards or enjoys the process of hurting others.

The inability to feel remorse or empathy is not the child or teen's fault. It's due to how the brain is currently wired.

In our home we practiced the steps of apologizing to help our adopted daughters with Reactive Attachment Disorder understand the process, until they felt the desire to complete the process.

How to Make an Apology for Kids with Visuals

Please understand that when a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder feels remorse, it does not mean that unsafe behaviors towards others stops. 

The child or teen with RAD may not be at a point where she can stop these behaviors.

Feeling remorse just means that she feels the weight of what she's done.

This weight can lead to self-harming behaviors, so definitely look out for this. 

My Child Wants to Kill Herself! Now What?

If a child or teen is not emotionally ready to feel the weight of their choices, BIG emotions can lead to BIG behaviors.

3. Desire to Repair Family Relationships

The third stage of healing leads to the child or teen showing a desire to repair relationships.

This is HUGE!

It's one thing to feel remorse, but to want to make a sincere amends is a completely different story.

A desire to repair relationships does not mean that the child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder will stop having unsafe behaviors towards others.

The child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder WILL have behaviors, feel remorse, and then want to make things better.

This can be a tricky business.

Family may not be open to repairing relationships.

Too much damage may have already been done.

Family members may not be willing to give a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder countless chances to try again.

Due to the severity of behaviors, this stage of healing may take place outside of the home in a residential or group home placement.

When Do I Consider Residential Treatment for My Child?

Every situation is different. 

In our family, we forgive and continue to nurture loving relationships with safe boundaries.

When repairing relationships is possible, it allows for the child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder to continue with her healing.

We always want to support healing.

 

4. Acceptance of Being a Member of a Family

A child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder must decide to accept being a member of a family in order to continue with healing.

This is no easy task.

It is so much easier for the RAD brain to run away, push away, and act out towards family members who try to get close.

150+ Ways Children and Teens with RAD Push Others Away

Acceptance of being a family member does not mean that there is love, trust, or attachment. 

It doesn't mean that unsafe behaviors stop, though they may lessen in severity or frequency.

Acceptance of being a family member just means that the RAD brain is surrendering to the reality that family relationships exist.

In our family, we like to say this stage has been about our girls accepting that they are "stuck with us forever."

There is no way out of family relationships. 

In order for this stage of healing to occur it takes hard work on the part of the caregiver and the child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder. 

In order to accept being a family member, a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder must feel wanted and loved, no matter the circumstance.

Love and acceptance of the child, does not mean over the top expressions of love or enabling of behavior.

Love and acceptance does includes setting safe boundaries.

Safe boundaries may include placement outside of the home.

When a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder feels that their status as a family member is not based on their behaviors, but based in unconditional love, the door opens for more healing.

Please note that caregivers and other family members can show unconditional love and safe boundaries for years without the child or teen and see no healing in this area.

The decision to accept being a member on the family is the decision of the child or teen with RAD. 

Like every other stage of healing, this stage cannot be forced, only encouraged.

5. Learning to Love and Accept Love from Family

After there is an acceptance of family, next comes learning to love and accept love from family members.

I cannot express how important and incredible this stage of healing is.

The RAD disordered brain has changed enough, through the process of neuroplasticity, to have a desire to attach and form healthy relationships! 

Once again, the decision to love and accept love from family is initiated by the child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder, when the brain is ready.

Learning to love and accepting love from family does not mean that behaviors will stop.

At times they may lessen in frequency and severity, but it's important to understand that the RAD disordered brain is going to push back with each step of the healing process.

Learning to love and accept love is not natural for a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

It feels unsafe. 

None of this is the child or teen's fault. 

Unfortunately, this is the reality of Reactive Attachment Disorder.

At the same time, the more practice a child or teen has with learning to love and accepting love from family, the more automatic it will become. 

This process is like learning to play a new piece on the piano. The more one practices, the easier it is for the fingers to know what notes to play and move up and down the keyboard with ease. 

There comes a point when the fingers know where to go without prompting from the sheet music.

Learning to love and accept love may take years, and even decades. It is not something that happens quickly.

Caregivers will notice this is happening when the child or teen with RAD is expressing love and adoration for family members without expecting anything in return.

Please keep in mind a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder may show love differently based on past trauma. 

Be open to different ways of expressing love.

Physical Boundaries and Consent Activities for Kids

In our home, we used the resources above to help everyone in the family understand which ways others preferred to express love. 

They worked very well. We hope they can help you as well.

6. Desire to Change Because of Love

After a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder is able to love and accept love, the desire to change because of love can occur.

This is such a HUGE and INCREDIBLE stage in the healing process to witness and be a part of as a caregiver!

Behaviors consistently lessen in intensity and frequency.

Mind you, they do not disappear completely.

It's important to remember that healing is possible, but a cure does not exist. 

Reactive Attachment Disorder will not completely disappear.

A desire to change because of love leads to so much hard work for the child or teen with RAD. 

When the child or teen decides to put in the effort, the results seem miraculous.

The child or teen recognizes that the RAD disordered brain, without censor and change, can hurt those that the child or teen loves.

When this stage in healing occurs, the child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder no longer wants to hurt those she loves.

7. Convincing One's Self that Change is Worth the Risk of Losing Relationships with People and Being Hurt Again

The desire to no longer hurt loved ones, and convincing one's self that change is worth the risk of losing relationships with people or getting hurt again are two VERY different things.

A child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder chooses not to attach because they believe the relationship will inevitably be lost or that they will be hurt.

To accept that change is worth loving and possibly losing love is an enormous feat and the final stage of the healing process.

Just like all other stages of healing from Reactive Attachment Disorder, the process can't be forced.

The decision to heal must be the choice of the child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

Even though so much healing has already occurred, the final stage definitely challenges the RAD brain the most, which can lead to push back.

A caregiver may feel that this phase takes an extra long time because of the push back and the fear of loss or being hurt.

Be patient. 

Conclusion

Healing from trauma takes years, decades, and sometimes an entire lifetime.

In our experience, once a child or teen goes through the seven stages of healing from Reactive Attachment Disorder with family, the seven phases repeat with relationships outside of the family.

A therapist who specialized in attachment disorders once told me that I'd know I was successful as a parent of a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder, when she developed one healthy relationship in her life.

The seven stages of healing from Reactive Attachment Disorder require so much hard work. 

It makes sense that one healthy relationship is considered success.

But, if a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder can work through all stages of healing with family, they are capable of working through those phases with others as well.

Please be aware that Reactive Attachment Disorder is a spectrum disorder.

Cases range in severity.

There may be some children and teens who are not capable of healing, or may take a lifetime to do so.

In these cases, the lack of capability is not the caregiver's fault.

Success may be setting safe boundaries and everyone being safe.

Please also be aware that healing is extremely difficult and at times impossible when the child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder is still experiencing trauma.

In our home, my oldest adopted daughter, Princess, is working on the last stage of healing. 

My younger adopted daughter, Sunshine, has spent several years in and out of residential treatment centers due to safety, and is still learning to love and accept love from family.

Every child and teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder is different.

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