My husband and I are eight years into our journey parenting our oldest adopted daughter with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

We’re six years into the journey of parenting our youngest adopted daughter with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

How we respond to behaviors with the first has the opposite effect on the second.

One child leans towards passive aggression and manipulation paired with destruction of property and self-harming behaviors.

The other is loud, in your face, physically aggressive, and at times violent with rage.

In these cases, anything can become a weapon and anyone can become a victim.

How to discipline a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is a very complicated subject.

As complicated as it is though, there are some things all parents and caregivers can do.

First let us address two points that are very important to understand.

1. Trusting a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder is a bad idea.
2. Consequences for behaviors usually don’t work with children who have RAD but still must be given.

You may now be wondering...

So if you can’t trust a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder and consequences for good and bad behaviors don’t work, what do you do?  Here are our best tips.

8 Tips When Disciplining a Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder

1. Focus on Safety

Your main priority is to keep everyone and everything safe. Take as many preventative measures as possible to avoid dangerous behaviors that jeopardize the safety of others.

With safety measures in place, there will be fewer opportunities for behaviors, and less of a need for discipline as we understand it. The discipline is the safety protocol in place.

Consider the safety of all in your family. It is your responsibility as a parent to keep everyone safe.

If you fail to do so there can be significant legal ramifications that can destroy your family permanently. When deciding consequences and forms of discipline, make safety your focus. How can I help everyone be safe?

2. Remember Your Other Children

It is so easy to waste all your energy and effort disciplining your child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, whether you do it intentionally or not.

Your other children are very aware of this.

They watch how you respond to behaviors on your best days and on your worst.

Try to remember your other children.

What are you trying to teach them?

As you discipline your child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, are you helping to strengthen relationships with your other children?

How do they feel about the parent you’ve become?

Consequences most often do not work when disciplining a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, but consequences do work with your other children.

Are you giving appropriate consequences that you would also give to your other children if they did the same things?

Is your emotional response appropriate?

What lessons are you teaching your other children as you discipline your child with Reactive Attachment Disorder?

If they follow your example with their own children, will you be pleased with the result?

Are you teaching them that any form of abuse is okay, whether it’s abuse you’re permitting from your child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, or abuse you are unintentionally showing towards your child with Reactive Attachment Disorder?

When responding to behaviors, are you responding with fear, anger or other negative emotions in the heat of the moment, or are you modeling appropriate coping mechanisms?

Discipline and consequences may not have any affect on your child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, but everything you do, everything you say, and how you respond in the heat of the moment will affect your other children for the rest of their lives.

When you’re able to think about your response to behaviors as a teaching moment, advocating for others in your home, your ability to handle the situation appropriately will increase significantly.

You are also teaching your other children the importance of mercy and justice.

Evaluate your actions to determine if you are advocating for everyone in your home.  Sibling relations when Reactive Attachment Disorder are so important to keep an eye on.

3. Set Clear Boundaries for Yourself

Typical parenting approaches have little to no effect on a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

You will get desperate and try anything and everything to help your child with RAD and bring peace to your home.

In these acts of desperation, it’s important to have clear boundaries that are set ahead of time regarding what you will and will not do in regards to discipline.

These boundaries are to protect YOU.

You may have the best of intentions, and think you are helping, when in fact you have turned into an abuser yourself.

You may be faced with a situation in which you are the target of rage, violence, or worse.

What is your instinctive response?

Do you fight back?

Or are you one who flees the scene?

Prepare for this when setting boundaries for yourself and deciding on forms of discipline, because this situation WILL occur at one time or another.

Talk to your team of specialists. Create a safety plan. You can NOT do this alone.

4. Everyone Has a Breaking Point

As a parent of a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, you must always have your guard up. It’s as if you’re on the front lines of the battlefield ALL the time.

This takes a heavy toll.

No one, and I mean NO ONE can do what you’re being asked to do 24/7 for years on end without taking care of yourself. This includes constant self-care, respite, and an unwavering support system.

Let’s be clear!

Self-care, respite and support are not forms of weakness.

They are the opposite.

It’s only through them that you will become strong enough to endure the battle.

Everyone has a breaking point.

Take care of yourself.

Don’t let Reactive Attachment Disorder transform you into the monster you fear most, especially as you attempt to discipline your child.

5. Eliminate Battles

I used to think that confronting behaviors head on would lead to progress. If I could only understand the “why” behind the behavior, we could fix it and rewire the brain, or come up with coping mechanisms.

Yeah… Not so much.

This approach only led to rages and screaming fits that lasted hours, followed by more negative behaviors, a headache, and emotional exhaustion for all parties.

And still there were no answers.

I then moved on, giving consequences that required time, energy, and supervision. This led to more negative behaviors, even more headaches, and even more emotional exhaustion, not to mention a LOT of wasted time focused on negative behaviors, that could have been spent having positive experiences with my other children.

It so wasn’t worth it. In fact it made things worse.

Do your best to eliminate battles. They will not benefit anyone involved. You’re left feeling miserable and the child with Reactive Attachment Disorder just caused more chaos, which is the opposite of what you want to have happen.

6. Accuse with Confidence

I’m not sure what happened that influenced my change in approach. Perhaps it was surrender or exhaustion, or the fact that I didn’t have a voice left.

But one day, Princess did something that I discovered while getting ready for church. She was with my husband getting her shoes and coat on. I had a couple of minutes to myself to think clearly.

I was the last to hop in the van. Princess was already buckled and ready to go. I turned around and looked her straight in the eyes and in the calmest voice stated with confidence,

“I know you did this (fill in behavior), and this is what’s going to happen as a result (fill in consequence).”.

She looked down, didn’t say a word, and the day went on.

Now in some cases, things don’t go as well, and I need to add this phrase,

“If you are unsafe in your response to what I’ve said, I will call the police or take you to the hospital and you can talk to them about what you’ve done, and how you’ve responded to the consequence I’ve given.”

This phrase works, only because my children with Reactive Attachment Disorder know I will not hesitate to call the police or take them to the hospital.

Accuse with confidence and give a consequence that does not require effort on your part when possible.

You will want to save your energy for those times when consequences without effort aren't a choice.

In the rare occurrence that you may be wrong, you can go back and apologize later.

7. Give Behaviors a Rating and Choose the Most Appropriate Response

It’s no secret that if you give a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder an inch, she will take a mile. Because of this, there is such a tendency to micromanage every single behavior.

And once you start micromanaging, your child with Reactive Attachment Disorder picks up on it and has the time of her life driving you insane.

This in turn provokes you, which then leads to poor choices on your part.

Yet, you can’t give the kid an inch, because it’s too dangerous. AHHHHH!

So, incorporating all that you’ve read, come up with a rating for behaviors specific to your child.

Every child is different. No two rating systems are likely to be the same. Even with my two RADlings, there’s a difference.

Once you’ve rated behaviors into groups, choose a consequence for each group.

Memorize it.

In the moment, ask yourself which group the behavior you’re seeing belongs to, and give out the appropriate consequence.

To read more details about this approach and how to create your own, be sure to read 4 Steps to Managing Aggressive Behavior.

8. Document. Document. Document.

No matter how severe the behavior, it's extremely important to document all that's going on in your home regarding your child with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

This documentation can be so beneficial later on when behaviors become more severe and you need a paper trail.

They can be a lifesaver when you are falsely accused of doing something you have not in regards to discipline.

Worst case scenario, documentation can save you in those moments when you didn't do your best and something unexpected happened that you reacted to in the moment.

I can't say it enough. Document. Document. Document.

If you need help, be sure to check How to Document Behaviors for Professionals and Specialists.

My favorite way of documenting is recording all information related to The ABCs of Behavioral Analysis.  This is something that is used with children who have autism, but can very easily be adapted to children who have Reactive Attachment Disorder.

What It's All About

Disciplining a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder may have absolutely no affect on the child, but it does affect you as the parent, and all other children you have in your home.

This is why, when disciplining, it’s important to take the focus off of the child with RAD.

It’s not about them.

It’s about doing your job as a parent.

It’s about teaching your other children what is and what is NOT okay.

It’s about showing your child with Reactive Attachment Disorder how the real world works.

Good choices have good consequences.

Bad choices have bad consequences.

It's about not feeling guilty when having to deal out real world consequences for insane behaviors that you know you would never be okay with in any other circumstance.

It’s about not showing fear and following through when you need help and know behaviors aren’t okay.

It's about not becoming a victim of abuse.

And in the end, it’s about showing that a parent’s love will always be there with appropriate and healthy boundaries for all parties.

For those who would like to follow our story and receive more resources about Reactive Attachment Disorder, be sure to subscribe to our newsletter by clicking the link below.

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I make sure to have access to as many FREE Disney Princess Inspired Learning Printables or worksheets as possible.  

They're perfect for vacation fun, busy bags, and so much more.

There's just something about Disney Princesses.  They are timeless.  I find it so much fun to pass down my love of these characters to my own daughters.

It shouldn't come as no surprise that my two girls love all things Disney Princess related as well.  

FREE Disney Princess Inspired Learning Printables and Worksheets

This list is the most up to date resource available to help you find the perfect Disney Princess themed worksheets and printable packs.  

It is arranged in alphabetical order by Princess.  Note that Elsa and Anna from Frozen are paired together.

I hope you have a fabulous time finding the perfect Disney Princess themed learning resources for your little princess!

Ariel Printables and Worksheets

from The Little Mermaid

Mermaid Sight Word Game from Playdought to Plato

Little Mermaid Coloring Word Search from Artsy-Fartsy Mama

Aurora Printables and Worksheets

from Sleeping Beauty

Sleeping Beauty Preschool Printables from 2 Teaching Mommies

Belle Printables and Worksheets

from Beauty and the Beast

Beauty and the Beast Story Book Storybook Companion Activities from Embark on the Journey

The Perfect Beauty and the Beast Printables for Preschool and Kindergarten from Natural Beach Living

FREE Beauty and the Beast Handwriting Printable Set from Blessed Beyond a Doubt

FREE Beauty and the Beast Printable Pack from Meet Penny

Preschool Beginning Sounds with Beauty and the Beast from Homeschool Preschool

Beauty and the Beast Worksheets from English Learning Labs

Beauty and the Beast Printables at Monorails and Magic

Cinderella Printables and Worksheets

from Cinderella

Free Cinderella Printable Pack from Meet Penny

FREE Cinderella Pre-K Printable Pack from Fun Learning Ideas

Cinderella Resources from Mama Likes This

Elsa and Anna Printables and Worksheets

from Frozen

Frozen Packs from Royal Baloo

Frozen Learning Pack for Toddlers & PreK from Totschooling

Free Snow Princess Pack from 123 Homeschool 4 Me

Free Frozen-Themed Handwriting Practice from Frugal Homeschool Family

Frozen Resources from Fun Learning Ideas

Free Frozen Printable Learning Pack from Embark on the Journey

Frozen P-K Pack from Over the Big Moon

Free Frozen Packs from Royal Baloo

Frozen Alphabet Cards from Totschooling

Frozen Learning Pack for Toddlers and PreK from Totschooling

Frozen Teaching Place Value and Number Recognition Printables from Blessed Beyond a Doubt

Frozen Printables Q-Tip Painting from 1+1+1=1

Frozen Themed Dice Games from The Activity Mom

Frozen Themed ABC Pack from Life of a Homeschool Mom

Disney Frozen Inspired Free Printable Activity Pack from A Little Pinch of Perfect

Jasmine Printables and Worksheets

from Aladdin

There are currently no free learning printables available focused only on Jasmine, but she is included in some of the multi-princess packs at the bottom of this post.

Merida Printables and Worksheets

from Brave

Brave Toddler, Preschool and Kindergarten Packs from Royal Baloo

Brave Pre-Primer Reader from 123Homeschool 4 Me

Moana Printable and Worksheets

from Moana

Moana Memory Game from Monorails and Magic

Moana Word Search from Monorails and Magic

Mulan Printables and Worksheets

from Mulan

There are currently no free learning printables available focused only on Mulan, but she is included in some of the multi-princess packs at the bottom of this post.

Pocahontas Printables and Worksheets

from Pocahontas

There are currently no free learning printables available focused only on Pocahontas, but she is included in some of the multi-princess packs at the bottom of this post.

Rapunzel Printables and worksheets

from Tangled

Tangled Pre-K Pack from Over the Big Moon

Free Tangled Preschool Pack from 123 Homeschool 4 Me

Tangled Pre-Primer Reader from 123 Homeschool 4 Me

Tiana Printables and Worksheets

from The Princess and the Frog

There are currently no free learning printables available focused only on Tiana, but she is included in some of the multi-princess packs at the bottom of this post.

Snow White Printables and Worksheets

from Snow White

There are currently no free learning printables available focused only on Snow White, but she is included in some of the multi-princess packs at the bottom of this post.

Multi-Princess Resources

Princess Learning Pack for Toddlers-PreK from Totschooling

Disney Princess Inspired Worksheets from 123 Homeschool 4 Me

Princess Pre-K Pack from Over the Big Moon

Princess Pre-K Pack Expansion from Over the Big Moon

Princess Early Learning Pack from More Excellent Me

Fairy Tale Themed I Spy Game from And Next Comes L

Free Printable Princess Puzzles from School Time Snippets

Princess Emergent Ready Using Sight Words I and See from School Time Snippets

This list of Disney Princess Inspired Learning Printables is such a fabulous resource to save for those special moments when you're looking for the perfect Disney Princess themed learning fun.

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Trigger Warning: This article discusses many negative behaviors related to Reactive Attachment Disorder.  

I do this to explain the why behind each safety resource.  

When I use words like "horrific" and "insane" I am describing the behaviors and disorder, NOT the child.

Today I've put together this list of Must Have Safety Resources When Parenting a Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

When you're living in the trenches as parent or caregiver of a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, safety becomes your main priority.

The goal is to put safety protocols in place before something bad happens.

At times this may seem like an impossible feat.  

But, if you start early and are open to the endless possibilities of what your child might be capable of, you can stay a step ahead of the game, protecting everyone in ways that would otherwise be impossible.

Through the years we've had our own crash course in safety. 

Thank goodness for amazing friends, wonderful doctors, and fantastic therapists who are willing to help us in the worst of times.  

Many of them have lived or are also living in the trenches with RAD children much older than ours.

Must Have Safety Resources When Parenting a Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder

An Intro  to Reactive Attachment Disorder

Reactive Attachment Disorder is a trauma disorder that affects children who have suffered through tremendous abuse, neglect and/or medial trauma.

Though children with Reactive Attachment Disorder display many bizarre and challenging behaviors, none of these behaviors are their fault.  

Permanent damage and changes to the brain have occurred as a result of trauma.  This is the cause of the behaviors.

What Is Reactive Attachment Disorder

Children who suffer with Reactive Attachment Disorder are victims.  

As parents and caregivers our job is to love them and keep everyone safe.  This post was written to help families do that.

Without safety resources in the home, children with Reactive Attachment Disorder can cause extremely unsafe situations in the home.  Our goal is always to promote attachment and family whenever possible.

The Worst Cases of Reactive Attachment Disorder

Why Safety Resources are Necessary When Raising a Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder

One of your many jobs while in the trenches is to protect the child with Reactive Attachment Disorder as she constantly tries to engage in self-injurious behaviors.

You're also responsible for all other children and pets in your home.  

They can easily become victims of physical, emotional, verbal and/or sexual abuse, your child with Reactive Attachment Disorder being the perpetrator.

Let's not forget that you are a target.

Whether she engages in passive aggression and manipulation, destruction of property or rage and violence, you must be prepared to keep yourself and your family safe.

Lastly, there's your home...  

Destruction of property, fire setting, urine and feces all over walls and floors, and so much more is all part of this adventure.  

Keeping your house safe becomes far more difficult than you could have ever imagined.

It's always better to be safe than sorry.

Our Favorite Must Have Safety Resources When Raising a Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder

Arming yourself with must have safety resources is NOT fun.  

In many cases the transition from "normal" life to life with a child who has Reactive Attachment Disorder is an incredibly challenging and devastating process.  

At times you may feel like you live in a prison, residential facility, or psych ward.

During these moments remind yourself of the worst case scenarios that could very easily happen without these safety resources in place.

Think safety.

I promise it's worth it!

Remember that every home and family is different.  

Talk with doctors and therapists to set up the right plan for your family.  

Some of the items shared below may be must haves for you while others may not.

Just remember safety is one area where a family can rarely do too much.  

It's always better to err on the side of caution.

Here's our list!

Door Alarms

Whether you go through ADT or pick up the most simple door alarms from your local hardware store, they will make a world of difference.  

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Put one on your RAD child's bedroom door, and on any doors that are used to enter and exit the home.

You will know when your child is leaving or entering their bedroom and the house, especially during the night.

So many things can happen during the night.

Please note, in some homes, window alarms are just as important.

Locking Doors

Anyone in your home can become a victim in a second.   

Having a place to go with a locking door can make a world of difference.

Siblings and parents need to be safe when in their own bedrooms and the bathroom.  

Anything can happen when you're not expecting it.

Also remember a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder loves to steal.

For younger children, simple doors that lock may work.  

As your child with Reactive Attachment Disorder grows older and becomes more resourceful, consider electronic key pad locks.

You know your child best and can ultimately decide which type of door lock works best for your situation.

We live in an old home with very old doors and have found our best line of defense to be door stoppers.  

They're simple, easy to use, and prevent entry from the outside.

A Prescription Lock Box

There is always a high probability that your child with Reactive Attachment Disorder may show an interest in prescription medications at home.  

Whether this is to self-harm, to sell, or something else, it's always recommended to keep medications out of reach and locked up in a safe place.

For some families this could mean using a prescription lock box with a key or combination lock.  

Other families may need to invest in a safe that is harder to open.  Currently we use the Lockmed Large Key Lockbox but will be upgrading soon.

Locking Storage for Sharp Objects

One can never know when a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder might try to use a sharp object to harm themselves, others, or to destroy property.  For this reason, it may be best to keep these items under lock and key.

Don't just think knives.  Consider other objects with sharp edges. You'll be amazed by what some of these kids can come up with.

Currently we use a portable toolbox with drawers and a locking mechanism, but may upgrading soon to a tool cabinet with a counter top for our kitchen.  (It will be used to store much more than sharp objects.)

Get creative. Locking toolboxes come in so many shapes and colors and can literally be life saving.

Locking Storage for Electronic Devices

There's just something about electronic devices that is way too tempting for children with Reactive Attachment Disorder.  

They really can't handle them well. 

Just thinking about all of the many things that could go wrong and have gone wrong with media devices caught in the wrong hands makes me nauseous.

Consider one of the many bag, briefcase and container storage options if necessary.

Locking Storage for Chemicals and Cleaning Supplies

In some states, if you've ever fostered a child, locking up chemicals and cleaning supplies isn't a new concept.  

But if you're not familiar with the dangers of keeping these items in reach of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder, educate yourself. 

 Consider a locking storage cabinet in a safe place.

Locking Storage for Matches and Lighters

Many children with Reactive Attachment Disorder tend to enjoy setting fires.  

Keeping your matches and lighters locked up can be of huge benefit.  

It may not stop them from using other items, but it can prevent easy access to the most basic materials.  

We tend to lock up these items with our sharp objects, in  separate drawer.

Security Camera System

A security camera system may not be for everyone, but in some cases it is necessary for the protection of all family members.  

Security cameras can not be placed in bedrooms or bathrooms, but can be set up in main living areas of the house.

Whether you need proof of your child's behaviors or proof of your innocence when accused of doing something you have not, security camera systems can be a lifesaver.

If you have a very young child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, baby monitors may be your best course of action, so long as the child can be safe with them in her bedroom.  

Motion Sensor Alarms

If you're trying to avoid a security camera system or if you're looking for ways prevent a child from entering specific areas of your home or property without you knowing, motion sensor alarms work great.  

In our old home we had one installed by ADT as part of our home security system.  

None of my children could make it to the kitchen, and no intruder could make it through the living room if they entered the back door.

In our new home we plan on installing simpler motion sensor alarms to prevent anyone from getting to the kitchen during the night.  

Whether you have a child with food issues or one who sneaks around and gets into things she shouldn't a sensor alarm can be a great ally.

Gun Safe

If you dare to have guns in your home with a child who has Reactive Attachment Disorder, they NEED to be locked up at all times preferably in a gun safe.

Smoke Alarms

Once again, many children with Reactive Attachment Disorder enjoy playing with fire.  

Smoke alarms are essential to your family's safety.  Where we fostered, it was recommended to have smoke alarms in every bedroom and on every floor of the home.

Consider This

Protecting your family from the dangers that come with Reactive Attachment Disorder is never an easy task.  

The safety resources mentioned here are a starting point though.  

Once you have these necessary resources, you will be able to determine what other steps you must take to keep your family safe.

So long as you can keep your family safe, raising a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder at home surrounded by those who love her will always be the best option.  

It is through safety, consistency, and secure attachments that a child who suffers from trauma can begin to heal.

And please consider this...

There will most likely be a time when your parenting abilities and choices are called into question during this journey as a parent of a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

When the police are called to your home or Child Protective Services shows up at your door, it is always better for them to see that you've done all you can to ensure the safety of everyone in your home rather than not.

This isn't just about preparing for the worst, it's about avoiding the worst in every possible scenario.  Safety resources can save lives in big ways.

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Auditory Sensory Resources for Children

So many children struggle with auditory stimuli.  Some crave it.  Others are extremely sensitive to it.  There are also children who suffer with auditory processing disorders.  

In our house we have kiddos who struggle with all of these issues.  Dinomite is extremely sensitive to auditory stimuli.  Bulldozer has difficulties with auditory processing.  Sunshine craves auditory stimuli at all times.

Over the years we've gathered quite a collection of auditory sensory resources for children.  Some of the resources our kids outgrow, but others are timeless.  If you're looking for something to help your own child with auditory stimuli, look no further!

Auditory Sensory Resources for Children

The Rainmaker is the perfect item to include in a sensory kit.  I love that they can come in different sizes for at home and on the go.  They also provide great visual stimuli.

Noisy Sensory Balls are so cool!  They provide great tactile input while at the same time providing auditory input.  Who doesn't like making sounds with balls?

A Sound Machine is a must in Dinomite's room and whenever we travel.  Every little noise bothers him.  The sound machine blocks all of that out and provides him with a soothing sound he can fall asleep to.  

This resource can also be used in the classroom or at home to help a child who craves auditory input.  Select the preferred sound and have it playing in the background when needed.

An MP3 Player is fabulous for kids who need to listen to their preferred music and/or sounds in places that it may not be acceptable to have it playing loudly.  

Dinomite started out listening to bird calls.  Bulldozer preferred thunderstorms.  Now they each have their favorite composers, musicals and bands.  The boys can't live without their music.

Musical Instruments are a very natural way to help a child who is craving auditory stimuli.  They provide great input and can also encourage learning at the same time.

Sound Blocks are the coolest thing ever!  Not only do they provide great auditory input, but they have a tactile and visual component.  There's so much fun to be had here!

Audio Books are great to have on hand when traveling or at home when your child needs auditory stimuli and you also want to keep things peaceful without a ton of noise.  Everyone loves a good story.

Sound Puzzles were always on our shelves at home when the kiddos were younger.  Bulldozer especially loved them.  Though their sounds are at times slightly annoying, if you find the right one, or invest in a variety, they can be very helpful. They also help develop the pincer grasp.

Montessori Sound Cylinders are found in Montessori preschool classrooms, but can be used anywhere.  They provide great auditory stimuli and also help children refine their listening skills.  My kids love them!

The Duck Call or Bird Call are the perfect auditory resources for outside (and sometimes inside).  Dinomite loves animals, especially birds.  He enjoys using his bird call and making all types of sounds with it.

An Auditory Feedback Phone is a great resource to have on hand for a child who struggles with auditory processing.  It can also be used to help a child with speech issues and volume.

Sound Blocking Headphones are the most treasured auditory stimuli resource in our home.  Everyone has a pair.  We use them all the time, at home and on the go.  We literally could not live without them.

It is amazing what a difference it makes to have the right auditory sensory resources on hand to help your child.  I still remember times when Dinomite would not go anywhere because the noises bothered him so much.

Bulldozer has worked so hard to filter out noises around him and focus on what's going on right in front of him.  He's overcome fears of sounds such as airplanes and elephants.  And when he's nervous about sounds, he always uses his headphones.

Sunshine craves auditory stimuli and will get it any way she can.  I don't know what we'd do without music and other resources mentioned here.  They certainly help us help her in safe ways while protecting our own ears.

If your child needs auditory sensory resources, don't hesitate. They are so worth it!

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I have sat down to write this post more times than I can count.  My hands shake as I type.  Emotions are high, and I can no longer stay silent. 

Everyone needs to understand what it’s like to be a mother of a young child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). 

Even if you can’t fathom it, if you think it’s fake, or if it’s too much to bear, you NEED to know.

Why?  Because though you may not believe it, you most likely know a mother who has a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder. 

Or worse yet, your child has a classmate with Reactive Attachment Disorder and could become their next victim.

Whatever the case may be, this is something everyone must know.

To be a Mother of a Young Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder

Tonight was another rough night at our house.  One of my RADlings went into a rage, calmed down long enough to catch her breath and then decided to go a second round. 

I was home alone with the four kids while my husband was at work.

Everyone in the house knows the drill.  The goal is to get her safely to her room.  When not in her room, anything can be used as a weapon.

That’s why all sharp objects are locked up, all plates, cups, and bowls are plastic, safety plans are in place, and we have adopted a minimalist lifestyle. 

If you’re upstairs when she starts to rage, you stay in your room and shut the door.  If you’re downstairs, you either go to your room or get to a safe place out of her reach until it’s over. 

This isn’t just the protocol for the children of the household.  My husband and I do it too, once she is in her room. 

We fall victim to her attacks just as often, if not more than anyone else.  But we know if anything is going to stop her and help the situation it’s that everyone has left her alone. 

She hates being alone.

Then we wait. 

I often pray.
  

Will she calm down?  Will she choose to stay safe?  Will she remain in her room?  Is there anything I can do to snap her out of this?

Oh please God let everyone stay safe and help me know what to do!

We listen to her.

“I want to kill you!  I wish you were dead! I wish everyone in this house was dead!”

Sometimes she can calm down.  Most often not so much. 

There are times when she will choose to stay safe on her own without intervention.  But there are so many times she doesn’t. 

And staying in her room…  Oh how I thank God for the times she does decide to stay put.  Because when she doesn’t things just get worse.

Distracting her doesn’t work, she’s too determined to pick a fight. 

Mimicking her behaviors to show her how silly they are only brings about more rage. 

Giving her a hug causes her to be violent.  

Ignoring the behaviors means someone else gets hurt. 

Sometimes yelling above her blood curdling screams may get her attention, but sometimes that doesn’t work either.

At times threatening to call the cops or taking her to the hospital brings her back to reality.  But then sometimes it doesn’t, and she could care less.  We’ve almost been at the point where we needed to, but it’s always a last resort.

Because let’s be honest, what would an uneducated police officer or doctor think when you call for help regarding your young elementary school aged child with Reactive Attachment Disorder? 

It’s not until the child is eight years old that a hospital emergency mental health on call worker might consider your plea for help.  But that’s very rare.

It doesn’t matter the child’s size or strength.

And heaven forbid if your child has calmed down by the time the police arrive, or you get to the hospital, especially if she’s absolutely adorable and knows how to work the crowd. 

You must have evidence whether it’s someone or something.  There must be a victim to be believed.

What’s more common is you being criticized for your parenting skills if not in person, then behind your back. 

And if you’re really “lucky” whomever you see may call child protective services too.  Not because they’re concerned about your safety and wellbeing, but because they’re worried about the child you’re so desperately trying to help, but can’t. 

Because in the end, children will always be innocent… 

Even when they’re not. 

It’s always the parent’s fault. 

Always. 

It all comes down to discipline, right?

Discipline…

We ran out of options years ago.  Keeping everyone safe is the only goal we have now.  This is not because we’re incompetent or are horrible parents.  It’s because we’ve tried EVERYTHING and then some, and nothing works.

We’ve talked to therapists, doctors, and specialists. 

We’ve gone to the parent training classes again and again. 

We’ve had case workers in our home. 

None of it worked. 

The only benefit to all these appointments and trainings is that we have more documentation that it’s not just us.

This brings us comfort, only because we can show this documentation to the police and to child protective services when they knock at our door.  It’s only when enough others say there’s a problem with our child, that they might believe us.

One case worker who visited our home regularly described our plight as being held hostage by our child.  Yet when she worked hard to find resources and help for our family, government red tape stopped every single bit of progress.

A trauma experienced therapist who met our RADLING, as we begged for her to be seen, said our daughter was too unformed to work with.  Therapy isn't an option until the child is developmentally ready.

The developmental pediatrician told us she wasn’t an expert and couldn’t help us much past diagnosis but knew this was going to be the hardest thing we’d ever done. 

This doctor did sit with me through a few rages that occurred in her office though, complimenting on how well of a job I was doing as I had to restrain my child for safety reasons. 

   

I was calm.  I was kind. I was trying to help.

At least I wasn’t alone that time, and I had more documentation.

This doctor has also seen our RADling almost every 6 weeks since she was three years old and has worked feverishly to diagnose all issues and help us navigate the world of medications and other supports.  The problem is there are no medications that treat RAD and there are no supports.

Believe it or not, there are some children who don’t respond to any form of parenting techniques.  Instead they provoke, harm, and hurt others.

Believe it or not there are some children who do not feel remorse or have a conscience.  Instead they get a high from causing harm to others.

Believe it or not, medications don’t fix everything, and the wrong medications make things so much worse.

Believe it or not trauma experienced in the womb and during those first years of life can cause permanent brain damage and can completely change a life.

To be a mother of a young child with Reactive Attachment Disorder means you learn these ugly truths first hand.

What does a mother do?

So, what does a mother do when she needs help but can’t get it?

What does she do when she’s being abused by her own young child? 

There are laws in place that protect a child and spouse from abuse, but none that protect a parent from the abuse of a child, even when there are bruises and documentation and worse…

What does a mother do when she’s doing all she can to teach her children never to be okay with an abusive relationship, but then must live the realities of an abusive relationship in the presence of those same children, not because she wants to, but because she’s the mother of abuser, who happens to be one of their siblings?

What does a mother do when she’s taught her children to call the police if they’re ever unsafe, yet when the police are called because a sibling with Reactive Attachment Disorder is being abusive, the police do nothing about it and instead tell the mother to control her kid?

What does a mother do when she’s taught her children that doctors are helpers and are in the business of saving people, yet the doctor the mother has gone to won’t help in the case of Reactive Attachment Disorder?

What does a mother do when she’s taught her children to speak out and ask for help, yet they watch her do that every single chance she gets, and no help comes?

What does a mother do when she’s taught her children to tell the truth, yet when they do, no one believes them or instead reports the mother to child protective services?

What does a mother do when she’s reached out for help but instead child protective services is coming to investigate and interview all her children to prove that she is the problem? 

Because once again, it’s always the parents, right?

There are so many things wrong with how our society chooses to handle Reactive Attachment Disorder. 

So many refuse to believe it exists. 

Others may know about it but choose not to consider it their problem.

Doctors and therapists lack education and experience, often misdiagnosing the condition and making things worse rather than better.  They implement treatment plans that won’t work and prescribe medications that make things worse.

It’s considered a mental health issue, which means that nobody wants to take responsibility for it. 

There are very few resources out there and insurance almost always WON’T cover it.

To be a mother of a young child with Reactive Attachment means you are alone, isolated, and without support.

Unless it’s something related to improving your parenting skills, as if you don’t have enough of a complex already.

And gosh darn it the worst part of all of this is, despite how angry and fearful and exhausted a mother of a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder feels, we still try to do the best we can. 

We try to fill our days with hope, tallying up the good moments, for when things are so bad. 

We give all our love, even when it’s never received. 

We fight for our RAD child, even when we’re the ones being hurt. 

We lie awake at night filled with worry that never seems to go away.

We implement safety plans, educate, and advocate, no matter the cost.

And then we fight for our children some more. 

Because just maybe this time someone will listen and believe us.

Maybe someone can actually help before things get worse and it’s too late.

Because there is a time when it will be too late. 

Victims won’t just be family members. 

Our worst fears will become a reality.

Everyone will have failed. 

This is what it’s like to be a mother of a young child with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

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