When asked how I cope with all that goes on in life, the answer is Internal Family Systems or IFS.

Today, I want to share with you my Internal Family Systems parts as a mother of a husband and  children with developmental, emotional, and trauma based disabilities, and as someone who experienced trauma as a child.

This is probably the most intimate post I've ever written about myself, but I feel it's important.

It's my hope that by doing so, I can help others feel more comfortable with the idea that we are all made up of parts, not just those with multiple personalities, etc.

As we understand our parts, how they feel and work, we can begin to care for them and unburden them, healing from trauma in our lives.

Healing is possible.

Internal Family Systems therapy is non-pathologizing, which means there are no labels or diagnoses.

At the same time Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapists must bill insurance companies, which do require labels and diagnoses.

Internal Family Systems therapy has helped me heal from PTSD and anxiety.

Internal Family Systems: A Mother's Parts

Below are names and descriptions of each of my parts. On average an adult has between ten and twenty-two parts.

Each of my parts have names that I have selected during my therapeutic journey.

Naming parts helps communication between parts and the Self.

Each part also has an age, which is the age I was when the part developed. 

For the sake of this post, and the privacy of others, I have not shared ages.

As I went through three and a half years of Internal Family Systems therapy, I was able to identify all of my parts and unburden them.

Once unburdened I was able to work with each part to understand what they wanted their new jobs to be.

As my parts have taken on their new jobs, I have been able to heal.

Please be aware that healing doesn't mean that triggers disappear.

Healing means that I am able to work through triggers in the Self, who leads the parts in healthy ways.

When referring to parts, one refers to each part as "it" until the part establishes otherwise.

Parts work isn't just a one and done deal. 

I have unburdened my parts and understand how each of them wants to help me, but that does not mean my parts are perfect at doing their preferred jobs.

Triggers can result in parts going back to what feels familiar.

The goal is to lead with the Self as often as possible, which can remind the parts of their preferred jobs, and that they'll be okay in the midst of challenges.

The Destroyer

Before Unburdening: He believed that no matter how much effort and work is put into a goal or task, the other shoe would fall, and the effort and progress would be ruined or taken away. 

This part often worked with the Punisher.

The Destroyer prevented me from feeling Grief and Fear of the Unknown.

After Unburdening: He wants to take care of the "little girl" and tell her everything is going to be okay. You've got this! 

The Destroyer also wants to take care of me as an adult. Everything will be okay. I’ve got this!

This part recognizes that most often the shoe falls when I am choosing to surround myself with those who are unhealthy, and trying to please them. 

When I choose to surround myself with others who are healthy, and choose to be healthy in those relationships, there's a greater chance that life will move forward with joy and continued blessings.

The Punisher

Before Unburdening: She believed that failure to achieve should be punished. Punishment came in the form of not taking care of my physical body, because it’s not worth taking care of. 

This part often worked with the Destroyer.

The Punisher prevented me from feeling Grief.

After Unburdening: She wants to take care of me and help me feel the joy of accomplishment and success. The Punisher wants to cheer me on in that process.

The Monster

Before Unburdening: She preferred to blame me and take responsibility for bad things that have happened, instead of putting the responsibility on others for their actions. 

Taking responsibility for other's actions motivated me to become better. Removing responsibility from others allows them to still be loved and respected by me.

The Monster worked with Unlovable and Not Good Enough. She prevented me from feeling Grief and Acceptance.

After Unburdening: The Monster wants me to forgive myself for being human. No one is perfect.

At the same time, the Monster now understands and recognizes that I have been put in extremely trying circumstances and done incredibly well. 

I am not a Monster.

I am not responsible for the choices of others.

Bad things happened to me. I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time. 

The more I learn and grow, the healthier I become when making choices and reacting to what goes on around me.

Judy Hopps

Before Unburdening: She was always willing to give 200% to get the job done and to do it the best it’s ever been done. There was no task that was too difficult. 

This part loved to work with The Problem Solver and The Right Thing.

She prevented me from feeling Fear of the Unknown and Helplessness.

After Unburdening: Judy Hopps only wants to be in charge of managing money, home, and the immediate family. 

She doesn't want to give 200% anymore. Too much effort leads to me becoming an unhealthy and unbalanced person.

While Sunshine is receiving treatment out of the home, Judy Hopps understands that she is thought of as extended family, not immediate family. 

Sunshine needs to work on her treatment and healing. 

When she can heal and return home to be safe with her family, she will be welcomed back as an immediate family member once again.

The Problem Solver

Before Unburdening: She had (and still does have) a talent for working through difficult situations, troubleshooting issues, planning, and preparing for any scenario. Every scenario can be worked through. 

This part worked with Judy Hopps and The Right Thing.

The Problem Solver prevented me from feeling Fear of the Unknown and Helplessness.

After Unburdening: The Problem Solver just wants to rest. 

If I need The Problem Solver, she will be there, but otherwise she just wants to sleep. 

She trusts that Judy Hopps is perfectly capable of doing things without her. 

Wolverine

Before Unburdening: He was (and still is) protective of those he loves, willing to do whatever it takes to obtain necessary help, even if it means fighting with others and being inflexible. 

This part often worked with Not Good Enough and the Monster, leaving me feeling awful about myself when put in situations where I needed to advocate for family member's needs.

He can also work with Save the World, Special Love, The Problem Solver, and Judy Hopps.

Wolverine prevented me from feeling Fear of the Unknown, Grief, Acceptance, and Helplessness.

After Unburdening: Wolverine wants me to understand that I am not a bad person for advocating for my family member's needs. 

It is okay to advocate while being kind and respectful, understanding that there is only so much that can be done in certain situations.

I don't have to take on the world, to ensure my children and others receive the supports they need. Focusing on the needs of just my family is enough.

Unlovable

Before Unburdening: She believed that no one could love or care for her because of the way she looks, feels, and acts. 

No matter how hard she tried, or how much she changed, she still didn't deserve to be loved because of who she was.

This part worked with Not Good Enough, The Destroyer, The Punisher and sometimes Loneliness and Miss Independent. 

Unlovable prevented me from feeling Grief, Acceptance, and Fear of the Unknown.

After Unburdening: She wants to wake up and go to bed feeling good about myself. 

Unlovable wants to help me feel healthy and that I've taken care of my body and mind. 

I am loveable and can feel that as I engage in healthy relationships with others.

Special Love

Before Unburdening: She believed (and still does believe) that everyone, no matter what they’ve done, how they behave, or what they look like, deserves to be loved. 

Special Love has a deep love and dedication to those who have been cast out by others and always sees the diamond in the rough. 

When others with developmental, emotional, and trauma-based disabilities don't do their part, after she had extended an abundance of love, Special Love became upset.

This part worked with Save the World and Wolverine.

Special Love prevented me from feeling Grief and Acceptance.

After Unburdening: Special love wants to show Christlike love AND keep healthy boundaries with others. 

Sometimes it is necessary to love from a distance.

Not Good Enough

Before Unburdening: No matter how hard she tried, or how much she did, it was never enough, and so she tried and did even more. 

Not Good Enough blamed me for everything that went wrong, not taking into account other people’s choices and actions.

This part could cause me to feel paralyzed at times, especially when working with the Monster or Wolverine. 

Though these parts often worked together, they could also be polarized against each other depending on the situation. 

Once Not Good Enough was present, the Destroyer and Punisher often joined in with negative thoughts.

Not Good Enough prevented me from feeling Grief and Acceptance.

After Unburdening: It's enough to just be good. 

I know I am a good person.

Save the World

Before Unburdening: She was (and still is) very passionate about standing up for others who don’t have a voice. 

She was (and still is) dedicated to making the world a better place in as many ways she can but often put herself last in the process.

When this part led the way, the Monster, Wolverine, and Not Good Enough sometimes stepped aside.

Save the World often worked with Special Love.

This part prevented me from feeling Grief, Acceptance, and Fear of the Unknown.

After Unburdening: I don't need to be a full-time activist with a loud voice to help change the world, especially when doing so is stressful, takes up so much time, causes burn out, and negative effects on my health.

It's okay to focus on changes I make in my personal life on a daily basis that will benefit the world and my family. 

Small changes add up and do make a difference.

Loneliness

Before Unburdening: She felt left behind, cast out, or on her own, unaccepted for who she was, undeserving of support and love from others. 

Loneliness worked with Unlovable and Miss Independent and could also work with Not Good Enough.

This part prevented me from feeling Fear of the Unknown, Grief, and Acceptance.

After Unburdening: Loneliness understands that when I find acceptance, support and love from others, I know I have found my tribe. 

As she lets the Self lead, she can trust that these relationships are healthy and real.

Loneliness understands that negative feelings about myself in relationships signal that the relationship is unhealthy. 

I can choose to do my part to work on improving the relationship, knowing that the other person must also choose to do their own work in order for circumstances to change, or I can choose to leave the relationship.

Miss Independent

Before Unburdening: She felt that she didn’t need others and was completely fine on her own. She also longed for a time when others were not dependent on her, and she could be free to do as she wished.

This part worked with Loneliness and Unlovable.

Miss Independent prevented Helplessness, Grief, Fear of the Unknown, and Acceptance.  

After Unburdening: She wants to choose to have others in her life that she can form healthy relationships with. It is okay not to engage in unhealthy relationships.

There is a difference between a person having a healthy dependence and unhealthy dependence on me. 

When the Suffocated Soul and the Dementor parts are present, Miss Independent can know and understand that the relationship is unhealthy. In those situations, it's okay to ask for help and/or separate from the situation.

Raising children has brought much joy. It's possible to be a mother and be independent, participating in activities and a lifestyle that is desired.

The Right Thing

Before Unburdening: He believed that there was a right answer in every scenario so long as he studied all the moving parts long enough. 

By studying facts instead of the emotional reactions of others, the correct answer would be there. There were no regrets with this method. 

This part worked with Not Good Enough. He could also work with The Wall, People Pleaser, and Safety.

The Right Thing prevented me from feeling Helplessness and Fear of the Unknown.

After Unburdening: It's okay to do what I want to do. 

I have a good moral compass and am not going to make "bad" choices. 

Sometimes there is no "right" answer. All I can do is do and be the best person I can be.

The Wall

Before Unburdening: They (bricks) formed a protective wall around me during situations where there may be conflict to ensure my safety, calm, and continued functioning. 

The Wall helped (and continues to help) block out anything that is coming at me, so that I can remain emotionally regulated and not go into a fight response.

This part worked with The Right Thing, People Pleaser, and Safety.

They prevented me from feeling Fear of the Unknown and Helplessness.

After Unburdening: The Wall recognizes its ability and talent to lead in co-regulation when someone else isn't okay. 

At the same time, The Wall does not want to need to lead in co-regulation too often. 

If The Wall is triggered by a specific individual on a regular basis, then this means the individual may need help with self-regulation to become a healthier person. 

I do not always need to be the one to help and can set safe boundaries for myself.

People Pleaser

Before Unburdening: When feeling misunderstood and judged, without a way out of the scenario, she would succumb to other people’s thoughts and ideas, instead of standing her ground, accepting responsibility, even when it wasn’t hers, in order to remain safe and feel okay.

This part worked with Safety, The Wall, and The Right Thing.

She prevented me from feeling Fear of the Unknown and Helplessness.

After Unburdening: The People Pleaser understands that others will misunderstand and judge. That misunderstanding and judgement can come with negative consequences. 

When this occurs, it is okay to stand up for myself. 

My parts: Judy Hopps, The Right Thing, and Problem Solver have helped me gather all of the documentation and information I need to state my case. 

If others still misunderstand and judge, it's on them, not me.

 

If I find myself in situations where my safety is compromised when I don't succumb to another person's thoughts and ideas, then it's important to remove myself from the situation as quickly as possible, and acknowledge the relationship is unhealthy. 

I can support someone in getting help, if that person chooses. 

Until the person is healthy, it's important to not put myself in an unsafe position again by setting safe boundaries.

Safety

Before Unburdening: This part informed (and continues to inform) other parts if situations are safe. If a situation is not safe, she will help create a safe space for functioning.

This part worked with the People Pleaser, The Wall, and The Right Thing.  

She protected me from feeling the Fear of the Unknown and Helplessness.

After Unburdening: Safety understands she doesn't have to put herself in unsafe situations. She can choose safety and healthy relationships with appropriate boundaries.

There will be times when I will be put in unsafe situations, but those instances will be rare, and I'll be ready, knowing exactly what to do.

Suffocated Soul

Before Unburdening: They* felt overwhelmed and panicked when there were too many demands from too many different people, or when the needs of one or more people were too much or too prolonged without breaks. 

This part often worked with the Dementor.

The Suffocated Soul prevented me from feeling Grief.

After Unburdening: They want to be in charge of the daily schedule and be able to choose what fits where and when to say no. 

Instead of overwhelm and anxiety, they want to feel a sense of accomplishment.

*The Suffocated Soul often feels like a crowd of voices, which is why I use the pronoun "they."

The Dementor

Before Unburdening: He sucked the joy out of life, leaving feelings of emptiness, despair, and being trapped with no way out.

This part worked with the Suffocated Soul.

He prevented me from feeling Grief.

After Unburdening: The Dementor wants to help me feel joy in my day-to-day life. 

He wants to help me live in a prepared environment that invites joy. 

This occurs through organizing, minimizing, interior design, landscaping, etc. When my surroundings invite joy, he can also help me increase joy through daily activities.

 

The Minimizer

Before Unburdening: When feeling overwhelmed, she was (and still is) very quick to scan the situation and minimize as many aspects of life as possible to make things feel doable. 

The main idea is to get rid of anything unnecessary.

This part worked with Safety, Problem Solver, and Judy Hopps.

She prevented me from feeling Helpless.

After Unburdening: The Minimizer wants to minimize to feel joy, because minimalism brings me joy. 

She doesn't want to minimize to survive trauma anymore. 

There is a definite difference between the two situations.

The Islander

Before Unburdening: She preferred to be alone on an island by herself without the worries and pressures of life. 

This part was perfectly content being isolated as relationships with people were too overwhelming and so much work.

The island is a place of peace, calm, and safety without the pressures and expectations of others. It’s a place where I can breathe and it’s okay just to be me.

This part worked with Unlovable.

She prevented me from feeling Grief, Fear of the Unknown, and Helplessness.

After Unburdening: The Islander is excited to create safe spaces of peace, calm and safety in my daily life, without needing to escape.

She is ready to surround herself with others who love and respect her, forming healthy relationships that don't feel overwhelming.

The Doer

Before Unburdening: She felt the need to do things and act when anxious, in hopes that doing something will make things better. 

This part worked with Judy Hopps and The Problem Solver.

She prevented me from feeling Fear of the Unknown and Helplessness.

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After Unburdening: The Doer wants to take care of me, doing things for me, supporting self-care, instead of always doing things for others.

Exiled Parts

Part of Internal Family Systems is identifying your exiled parts.

Exiled parts are those that have been cast out by other parts in an effort to survive.

Burdened parts worked hard to ensure that I didn't feel my exiles, for fear of what those feelings would do to me and my mental health.

Through the my work with Internal Family Systems therapy, I have not only unburdened my parts, but also my exiled parts.

I am able to feel emotions related to my exiled parts and be healthy.

Here are descriptions of my exiled parts, why they were exiled, and what they are like now that they are unburdened.

Grief

She grieves about the things that have happened to me and others I love and care about.

Reason for Being Exiled: There was too much to grieve. 

Too much had happened. 

It was impossible to feel Grief around others who were physically and emotionally unsafe.

How could grief benefit my parts when they still needed to keep going to protect others and me from all the bad that was continuing to happen?

After Unburdening: Grief wants to acknowledge that bad things have happened to me without judgement from others.

It is okay to grieve and important to put myself in safe and healthy relationships and environments that allow me to do so.

I want to write ALL of my story down in a memoir (unpublished). 

Writing a memoir will help me continue to work through my grief in a safe way, without censor.

Fear of the Unknown

He fears that bad things are going to happen to me and those I love, when he can't see or envision the future.

 

Reason for Being Exiled: Other parts couldn’t think about what might happen. 

There was always a negative ending. 

The unknown was always filled with more pain. 

If other parts didn’t think about the unknown, they wouldn’t have more to fear, and pain to experience.

 

After Unburdening: The Fear of the Unknown wants to channel fear and anxiety into planning positive experiences like vacations and new food experiences. 

These things can and do go well. 

A healthy dose of fear and anxiety can lead to great things.

Acceptance

Acceptance wants to acknowledge that others can be unhealthy, harmful, and abusive. 

I am a good person and do not need to be in unhealthy, harmful, and abusive relationships.

 

Reason for Being Exiled: Accepting that others are unhealthy, harmful, and abusive, didn’t change anything. Parts still had to survive these relationships. 

Acceptance just brought anger which only made things worse. When parts felt anger, they felt they became just like those who were unhealthy, harmful, and abusive and were put at risk for further harm and abuse.

Other parts accepting that I am a good person just brought about more trauma. I was not allowed to feel without negative consequences.

 

After Unburdening: Acceptance wants to say goodbye to unhealthy, harmful, and abusive relationships and embrace that I am a good person.

It is okay to feel anger towards unhealthy, harmful and abusive relationships and situations. Feeling anger in safe ways is natural and healthy.

Helplessness

This part feels helpless because things aren’t changing for the better. 

If things can’t change for the better, then what’s the point of continuing to try? 

Why do anything?

 

Reason for Being Exiled: If other parts stopped doing their jobs, then they would feel useless. Bad things would happen. 

Other parts would rather feel anxiety about what to do and how to prevent more bad things from happening than feel the darkness of depression.

 

After Unburdening: Helplessness wants to count my daily blessings. Bad things will still happen, but there will be amazing experiences, blessings, and miracles too.

The Internal Family Systems therapy model has completely changed my life for the better. 

It has helped me overcome trauma from my past, and also cope with current trauma in my life, as a mother of two adopted children with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

The process of unburdening parts and exiles has been fascinating and empowering. 

It feels so incredible not to be part led, but instead Self-led as often as possible, despite what's happening in life.

Internal Family Systems has helped me learn to communicate with immediate family members more effectively, remaining calm in the most difficult of circumstances.

I'm able to pause and reflect on the Internal Family System of an immediate family member who may be struggling at any given time, and provide the love and support that's needed, without taking things so personally.

It makes such a difference knowing that the whole person doesn't feel a certain way, it's only parts of that person that feel the way they do.

Internal Family Systems has helped me set healthy boundaries in relationships and find my Self to lead my parts in the healthiest of ways.

I am able to understand my own triggers and the whys behind them, which helps so much in relationships with family members, friends, and others.

I highly recommend Internal Family systems therapy!

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